babble, babble, babble

July 21, 2003 | 8:53 pm

lordy...

i hear about problems people have, like choosing between 2 guys... or deciding whether or not to stay with someone because you have dreams to pursue and they might be "holding you back"... just stuff like that...

and ya know, i don't have any of those freakin' problems. i mean, i know it's retarded to say, i wish i had to choose between two guys, but it's like, that seems better than having no one at all.

and as for the other thing... a guy would not hold me back from doing what i want to do... if anything, it would be the exact opposite. because if i had someone, i really think i'd be much happier. i just would. cuz that's what's missing. and if i had a boyfriend, i totally feel like i would do better at everything.

so i just can't understand.

and it's not like i haven't had guys like me. i always know of guys that like me, it's just i never like them. so it seems kind of selfish to want more, when there are girls out there who don't even think anyone has ever liked them. (which i doubt. i think everyone has been liked at some point, whether they know it or not.) and i also hate having to tell a guy i don't like them. it's horrible. but i still need that. i need to know someone likes me.

i'm really messed up.

sometimes i wish i was more f---ed up than i am. that way i could at least have an excuse to be miserable and hate myself. but i don't feel like i really do have an excuse. even though i have problems.

ugh, i'm just babbling.

plus, my mind always goes so much faster than my fingers and so much faster than i can even process my thoughts into sentences, which i think causes me to just sound like a kid.

i can write very well, i can write some damn good stuff, but when it's something important like my feelings and such, i just can't freakin' make sense of anything. i just sound like an idiot.

i don't really know where all this is coming from right now. it makes me sound all depressed and fed up with myself, but i'm not really. i dunno.

well, maybe i am a bit fed up with myself. but not really depressed.

or maybe i should just shut up.

yeah, i think i'll do that.

bye.

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