the worst fucking birthday party

April 20, 2003 | 2:19 am

well... that had to have been one of the worst birthday parties i've ever had. it sucked basically. i was all excited for it. took an extra long shower this morning, got all pretty tonight.

and i'd say it lasted about an hour. how fucking pathetic is that? most people stayed just about long enough to hang out and have some cake. then they left. some came right as the cake was being served. then left. so yeah, they showed up, but how important was i really? yeah, i know they're busy, and it is the weekend before the last week of school, but you can't spare a couple hours?

and nothing really happened. i mean, it wasn't like the short amount of time the party lasted was really really fun. it was like, ok, when is it starting? and then it was over.

and one of my roommates basically said, "they came for the cake." i'm like, oh. thanks. you don't fucking tell someone that. and when one of our friends left a message on her answering machine to say he couldn't make it, she told me "he decided getting a tattoo was more important than your party." once again, thanks! i mean, she didn't have to put it that way. and i'm really hurt that he didn't come and i'm really hurt that no one could find the time to stay.

i just felt very unloved. at a time when i should feel very loved.

but my best friend was definitely not a let down. she knew how i felt and she made a point that i knew she loves me and wants me to have a good time.

and i had a good time after the party was over. it was just the 5 of us as a usual saturday night. and we played board games and watched tv. we had a good time. maybe next year i'll just have it be the 6 of us. because then i can't be let down by the people that don't matter nearly as much.

even my roommate (the one who couldn't say anything right tonight) had to leave to go do homework. she couldn't take the night off to spend time with the 5 of us, for my BIRTHDAY! she said she was sorry, but come on. my best friend had tons of work to do today, but got NOTHING done because she had to prepare for the party and everything. she cleaned, cooked, shopped, wrapped, etc. while my other 2 roommates got their homework done. but today was my day, and my best friend understands that. i'd do it for her... well, i did do it for her.

i'm just really fucking upset and let down by the whole thing.

plus, i had a terrible dream last night. i dreamt that it was the day of my bday party and when the party began, i found out that only my roommates friends (from their homes) were coming. so the whole party was tons of people i didn't know. they said, well, we wanted you to have a big party and none of your friends were coming, so we invited ours. and i just cried and cried and cried. and i was sooooo pissed off. i just walked off and sat on a curb crying. they came up to me and i told them why i was upset. and i said "just because my friends don't give a shit about me doesn't mean you should invite yours!"

so basically no one came for me. i didn't mean enough to any of my friends for them to show. so i had to sit there with tons of people having a great time, seeing my 3 friends hang out with all their friends, while i had no one.

and what's scary is that's how i felt tonight. after the dream, i felt like crap, because it was so depressing, but in a way i felt better because i knew my (real) party couldn't be any worse than that dream. and it ended up basically just like the dream. so yeah. today sucked.

i'm just gonna go to bed now.

hopefully tuesday will go well. my real birthday. when i turn 22.

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