well...

April 11, 2003 | 8:21 pm

i wanted to write last night, but i decided it could wait and i should probably go to bed instead.

so, the new boy stopped by yesterday. he was trying to tell me something, for what felt like 5 minutes, but he couldn't quite form any actual words. except, "i don't know how to say this."

eventually i realized he was saying things between us weren't going to work out. he said he doesn't "see us going any farther." and i said "ok." and he said "i still really like you and i want to hang out with you guys still." and i said yeah, and i told him that was cool. and he gave me a hug and he left.

and my eyes started to tear. and my friends came in to see how i was doing. and their trying to comfort me only made me want to cry more.

i told them i was ok, and that i kind of felt the same way. i mean, we do have fun hanging out and i really like him, but i was wondering if i really liked him. so maybe that's the same reasoning as his.

it's just, ya know, it sucks anyway.

and i was going to give it more time. so it just kinda sucks that he decided it wasn't going to work out before i decided for sure.

and i guess it's just the whole rejection thing. i'm just sick of it always being me who gets dumped, ya know?

so i was kinda depressed all last night.

but i'm feeling ok today.

the whole thing just bummed me out. when i told my mom about it, she said, "it's probably not that you're upset because you don't have him, it's that you don't have someone.

and that's true. i mean, once again, i thought something would work out, and it didn't. so that's a let down. and now there's not even the possibility of me having someone.

i'm just.... lonely.

i wish i wasn't such a romantic. i just want to find the one. and be happy.

ugh. i need hugs.

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