i'm confused

April 08, 2003 | 1:32 am

ok, so um... this is something i've been thinking about the past couple days. and i feel really bad. i don't want to tell anyone, but i had to write it here.

it's about the new boy. i'm not sure if i really like him. i thought i did, and i want him to be around and stuff... but now i'm not sure if i like him as more than a friend.

but should i be sure? i mean, i don't really know him that well. we're just starting to hang out. so maybe it just needs time.

one thing is that yeah, it was great that we were holding hands and all. i had a really good time with him friday. but i wasn't my normal nervous self. i mean, maybe that's a good thing, but i just wasn't the way i usually am with guys (dating-wise). and the thing is, and i hate writing this, but when we kissed the other night, i didn't feel anything. it's like i wanted to kiss him, i mean, i did it, didn't i? but i felt nothing. at all.

i'm afraid that i just want someone to be with.

i never thought i could be like that.

and i'm really afraid that that's what's happening.

i mean, i've basically not talked about him, and when people talk to me about him, i'm not all giggly and stuff, i'm just like, ok.

but i did invite him over last night to watch a movie. the whole time i was telling myself to hold his hand because i really wanted to, but i just couldn't make myself do it. i really couldn't. i don't know why. maybe just because i'm thinking like this i just don't want to do anything because i'd feel bad.

plus, since he's so nervous, he's all goofy. and it's kind of a turn-off.

i don't know.

i feel so bad thinking like this. i feel like a terrible person. i mean, i feel like i'm using him or something.

ugh.

but the whole night tonight i was hoping that he'd come over. i didn't want to go up and invite him down, but i did want him to show up and want to hang out.

i don't know what's going on with me. i really don't.

anybody get it?

and i'm not saying that i don't like him, i just can't figure out what it is that i'm feeling. or why. this is so weird. i've never been like this before.

ugh, help me figure this out please.

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